(MUSIC PLAYING: "STARTING OVER" BY JOHN LENNON)
(LOUDSPEAKER): Nancy Clark, report to gate 14.
Alan, they/re boarding in a few minutes. I'm going to find your mother.
- She doesn't want us to see her crying. - She'd rather cry in front of strangers?
- Are you sad to see me leave home? - You're going abroad for the first time.
You might even go to...Amsterdam. And European women are different.
- How do you know? - James Bond films.
(NANCY): Guys, look at Mummy!
That was so cute!
- Dad was getting worried about you. - He won't admit he's going to miss you.
I get it out and let it go. He gets a headache.
- Only because you get it out. - No, you don't express your feelings.
Guys...
- Could we not have this moment? - Sorry.
I've got an international beeper for you.
Press that little button and no matter where you are, this will ring.
- And then I'll call you. - if you don't answer, she'll fly over.
Flight 178 to London is now boarding. Ohio State students, please get ready.
So I guess this is it.
Give your mother a big hug. She's very fragile today.
Daddy/s a wreck, so make sure you call him.
OK, you guys take care of each other.
- I thought you were going to lose it. - I guess I'm stronger than I think.
We have more time to ourselves now. Just you and me.
Alone in the house.
(VVEEPING)
- It's OK. - I'm sorry.
If this interview goes well, we'll move to New York. We'll have more money.
I don't want any more money. You've been at Sellinsky for 23 years.
We've lived in Ohio all our lives and you hate New York.
I did when it was hip to hate New York but it's not any more, so I don't hate it.
I'm in advertising. I follow the crowd.
- I guess we could see Susan more. - She won't speak to me.
Well, you blew up at her because she has doubts about med school.
I didn't blow up at her. I merely said I was going to sue her.
- You can't sue her for lost tuition. - You can now.
There's that precedent now, Mr Brown versus Muffy, the daughter.
Hang on one second.
Tony, thanks for setting up that meeting. I'm going. 10 o'clock.
I can't tell Nancy I was fired.
It's very caveman of me, but that's what I've decided.
Well, you're not Nancy. I appreciate it. Bye.
There's too much food.
No, I never got enough when Alan was here. Pass me the potatoes, baby.
Now we can talk. Before we only talked about the kids.
Now we get to talk about us. This is a gabfest. Yak, yak, yak.
So...
What's going on with you?
I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.
I won't go with you to New York.
I'd just be tagging along out of pure panic and insecurity.
It's ironic that as soon as we have time together, we immediately separate.
But if we force ourselves together instead of letting it happen naturally,
what are we proving?
I don't know what to tell you, baby.
I've got to pack.
(TAXI DRIVER): Good morning, sir.
Welcome aboard this flight to New York.
Please fasten your seatbeks
Surprise!
(GASPS)
HerlfY-
- Henry! - What?
- Are you excited I came? - What?
- Are you excited I came? - I'm very excited.
You don't sound excited, Henry.
- I'm holding it in. - We're all excited, OK?
- Henry, you forgot your foot chums. - What?
Your foot chums.
Could you pass these to that man, please?
He always forgets this and then he'll never stop complaining about his rash.
For the next two days it's going to be scratch, scratch, flake, flake.
- Let them sit together! - Thanks.
-(STEWARDESS): Here we go. - Shouldn't we have a little something?
We're going to eat at a great hotel. Don't ruin it with that mouldy sandwich.
- He's sorry. - Besides, I'm too nervous.
Why? It's not like you don't have a job.
This is Senior Creative Director. It's the big time.
You'll be all right, honey.
- Great city. - All I see is fog.
Bad news. New York is fogged in. We've been diverted to Boston.
(BOTH): Boston!
(HENRY): I'll see about flights to New York. I'll meet you at the carousel.
Henry”
Yes, I'm still excited you came.
Bags!
The buses are filled. The next train to New York leaves in 20 minutes.
- There's a train... Where are the bags? - They didn't come out.
- What do you mean? - Just that. They didn't come out.
- What? - Calm down.
I've got to be in New York for the most important... Just give me the check.
- Excuse me! Are there any bags... - Are you crazy?
- I'm Henry Clark from flight 42. - You're going to get hurt!
That's not our bag.
- Can you describe the bags? - Two brown and three blue ones.
Many bags look alike. In most cases,
specific descriptions lead to apprehending the suspect.
- My bags aren't murderers, they/re lost. -(NANCY): Look at this.
- It looks something like that. - The 24- or the 26-inch model?
- Gee, I forgot to measure my bags. - It looks a little like this.
- It's kind of rough, but close enough. - Wow, are you an artist?
- I used to be in advertising with him. - This is a fantastic drawing.
Unfortunately, we don't have it. Where will you be staying in Boston?
In Boston we'll be staying in New York!
(NANCY): Calm down, there are plenty of cabs.
- I'm dizzy from not eating. - There's plenty of food on the train.
- Just go with the flow. - You're right, I'm going to calm down.
Thank you.
(HENRY): What's that taste? Did you have peanut butter'?
- You usually don't taste like that. - Right, I'm throwing away that lipstick.
You had peanut butter. Yes, you did.
All right, I confess. I went to the vending machine.
I put my 75 cents into the machine and ate them all.
How many were there? Two? And I'm dizzy!
- Sorry. It doesn't mean I don't love you. -(DRIVER): Are we going anywhere?
I thought we were moving. We have 10 minutes to catch a train!
(HENRY): Did we miss it?
- The 3:38 to New York? We missed it. - This can't be happening!
They/ll understand.
They won't employ a man who can't get from Ohio to New York in 24 hours!
That would only matter if you wanted to be a...messenger, maybe.
- Do I have time to go to the bathroom? - All the time in the world.
- We'll get the next train. - No, we'll rent a car.
They don't leave without you and they don't get diverted to Boston.
Whatever... Five minutes.
Excuse me.
The 3:38 Metrofiner to New York is now leaving on track 12.
AH aboard.
Nancy...
EXCLISG me. . excuse me.
- Where is the ladies' room? - You mean the men's room.
- Over there. - Nancy, we can still make the train!
Go and get my wife, please.
Brown coat, blue dress, blonde hair. Thanks!
- I got lost. - We can still make the train.
We don't have time. It leaves in two minutes!
She wouldn't come out.
This way!
- I'll run on ahead. - I can't in these heels.
- Oh, my God. - Hold it!
- On a full bladder. I made it. - I forgive you the peanut butter.
Let's get a seat.
(HENRY): Excuse me.
- Is this the 3:38 to New York? - No, that is.
(HENRY): No rental cars. We've got to find a car.
But we have to be nice, Henry. The guy at Avis didn't like you much.
- Can I help you? - Yes, but first, how are you?
- We'd like to rent a car. - Compact, midsize or luxury?
Compact.
- Actually, we're all out of compacts. - Oh. Midsize would be fine.
Oops, all we have is one luxury sedan.
- I'm not sure why you asked, then - We'll take a luxury sedan.
Sounds good.
They should change their sign to "we have car".
Your credit card, please.
The car is state-of-the-art, it drives itself. Collision insurance?
If it drives itself and we have an accident, it'll be the car's fault.
- Boy, it's hot in here. - It doesn't say how to shut the heat off.
- I'm melting out of my dress. - There's no disengage switch.
- It's 1000 degrees in here. - It's freezing. Put that up!
(RADIO PLAYS ROCK)
(RADIO PLAYS SOUL BALLAD)
- Henry, are we in a rut? - I might be, but we're not.
- Why are you in a rut? - Same thing every day. That's a rut.
I'm in more of a rut than you are. Ever since Alan's been gone,
every morning I wake up and I don't know what to do.
It's been one morning.
Well, I didn't say a long rut. But it's a start.
- So we're both in a rut. - Separately. We aren't in a rut.
- If we were in a rut, that would be - That would be a real rut, Henry.
(HENRY): There's a fork. Which way do I go?
Does it say "Cross Bronx Expressway'?
Yes, Ma'am!
- Go past that - What?
- Over the bridge and into Manhattan. - I already made the turn.
- I didn't tell you to turn. - You implied it.
- How can you imply a turn? - You know how to imply a turn.
- Is that a map in front of you, or what? - I'm not a cartographer, but I think so.
It's got lots of squiggly lines on it, see?
That's not funny!
- Just stay to the right. - Why not use the navigation system?
Just go across the bridge, onto FDR, and we're in the heart of Manhattan.
- Is that New York City back there? - What are you talking about?
- Oh, no, this is the wrong bridge! - This map is
- Proceed down Grand Street. - "Proceed down Grand Street"!
Don't feel bad. He's obviously been here before and knows the city.
- The way in just confused me. - He is not confused.
(COMPUTER SPEAKS IN FRENCH)
- (NACNY): What's that? - French. Don't press it.
Why? I don't understand it.
- What? - It's Chinese. Find Spanish.
I don't know how to work it.
(COMPUTER SPEAKS IN GERMAN)
- (HENRY): I'll press that. - Do something!
Nancy, Achtung! Turn!
Nancy, it's fish!
Put on the brake!
(COMPUTER SPEAKS IN FRENCH)
- (NANCY): Hows your nose? - Tender to the touch. Just like me.
- (HENRY): What's the bill? - 2,200 dollars.
- We could have bought a car for that! - I know.
- (NANCY): Look at New York. - Where?
- How do we get to the hotel? - The streets here are like a rigid grid.
- Like somebody else I know. - Do you want to get there or not?
(NANCY): We follow the grid to Park Avenue and 64th Street. Now we're at...
Don't look at the signs. People will know you're from out of town.
New Yorkers never stroll. They always have somewhere important to go.
It's got to be like
(NANCY LAUGHS)
Go ahead and make fun. But if you walk like a tourist, you get in trouble.
- (HENRY): I'm having Eggs Benedict. - I'm having chicken.
I'm terribly sorry to disturb you.
I just left all my money in a cab. I'm late for my play at Broadway.
- Could I borrow $5 for a taxi ...? - You expect us to believe this?
- No. I'm sorry to have bothered you. - (NANCY): What play?
A revival of “Jesus Christ Superstar" at the Broadhurst Theatre.
- “Jesus Christ Superstar"? - Are you Andrew Lloyd VVebber'?
Yes. We go into previews next week
- We love “Jesus Christ Superstar". - And "Evita". That was so great.
(NANCY): And "Cats".
- It hit so home for us. - We lost a cat that year. It didn't sing.
- Henry Clark. This is my wife, Nancy. - We'd be glad to lend you anything.
Don't take out an open wallet in the city.
I entered "Yokelville"! Come here. I'm so embarrassed.
When we tell the people in Ohio that we lent Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber
- No, I think he's a Lord. - Do you know Paul McCartney?
- Shut up. - What's he like?
- Jesus! - Give me that. And the bag.
Give me the bag!
Oh, my God! Why are you doing this?
Every show you do is a hit!
- Andrew Lloyd Webber stole my purse! - He's just a common criminal.
I have jelly legs. What are we going to do?
OK, watch.
I hid my credit card here on the plane.
You're a genius! Put it away! We might run into Stephen Sondheim.
Hello.
- (NANCY): Thank God. - Look at this place.
(NANCY): It's beautiful.
It's good to be inside.
(MANAGER): Is that a new haircut?
You'd better stay in the back for a while.
Welcome to the Grand Mark Hotel. How may I be of service to you?
- We have a reservation. Clark. - I'm Mersault, the manager.
If there's anything I can do, please let me know.
- That would be room service. - We're starving.
I'll send a complimentary basket of fruit, cheese and a fine Merlot to your room.
If I could just have your credit card, we'll have you up to your...
...room in a jiffy.
- Our flight was rerouted. - To Boston.
And we were mugged by Andrew Lloyd Webber.
I'll mention it next time he stays here. Perhaps he's stressed. Ah, a message.
'We have located your luggage and will deliver it this evening."
- (NANCY): At last some good news. - We have a problem with your card.
- What kind of problem? - A financial one, I assume.
Yes, this is Henry
I've never had a problem with my credit card? Have I?
I don't know who you've had a problem with.
No, I've never purchased anything at Uncle's Stereo in Manhattan.
800 dollars at "Sofas U Love"? Susan Clark is my daughter.
She's how much overdue?
I understand. Thank you.
Nancy, you won't believe this. Susan has stolen one of our credit cards.
- What are you doing? - I'm going to call and scream at her.
- May I borrow your phone? - There's a payphone down the street.
Henry, promise me not to lose it. She couldn't stay in the dorms
when she decided to become an actress, so she needed an apartment.
- That's why I gave her the credit card. - Now I'm mad at both of you.
- I was just trying to protect you. - She dropped out and you didn't say?
I'm not a child...
As you can't pay with your card, I can't offer you a room.
- Do come back when you have money. - Please. Can't you just trust us?
- Are you throwing us out? - No, security will do that.
(NANCY): I don't believe this!
- What now'? - We're going to Susan's.
- It took courage to drop out. - That's easy with Daddy/s credit card!
- It took passion, don't you understand? - I'm filled with passion.
When I wanted to be a writer, my father went berserk.
- But I went and discussed it with him. - So let's discuss it with Susan.
Somehow I'm not in the mood to see her new furniture right now.
- You'll have to work it outwith her. - She threw away 50,000 in tuition!
- You don't do it like that in Ohio. - This is New York.
We're hungry and homeless, just like my parents said I'd be with you!
I'm going!
What am I supposed to do?
All right, I'll follow you there, but then I'm leaving.
Why are you so judgmental? She might be a wonderful actress.
- You'll be proud to hear she's writing. - I was worried there for a minute.
But if she's going to act and write...
Here it is, 148.
- Clark/Guerrero. - Who's Guerrero?
You don't know or you won't tell me? We've established there's a difference.
- Where is she? - Probably stuck in her new sofa.
- Come on. - I'm going to stay here and be difficult.
(WOMAN): Go for it!
(THEY GIGGLE)
Susan?
I'll write her a note.
- Don't touch our paper. - I was just taking a little sliver off.
- To write a note to my daughter in 2B. - We don't know the girl in 2B.
- Who are you? - Ask her if she's got ID.
- I don't. - A key?
- No. - Ask her how she got in.
- Ask her to stop asking me questions. - Don't let her go!
Hold the lunatics' convention somewhere else. I'm working here.
- (MAN): She stole our paper. - I came to see my daughter.
- Susan? Sweet girl. - You know Susan...professionallfi
I hope not, because she is sick.
(THUMP AND SCREAM) You break that rack, you buy it!
- It was really nice meeting you. - Don't move, or I'll set Corky on you.
I'm really tired of this reparteé. If you think I'm afraid of your dog
(LAUGHS IRONICALLY)
(EVERYBODY SCREAMS IN FEAR)
- You make an excellent point. - She wasn't home!
Nancy?
Oh, my God!
Nancy!
Throw it.
(H EN RY): Good hands, babe!
All they care about is food.
Make way! Make way!
- (HENRY): Incoming. - Croissants.
- Bear claws. - Sticky buns.
- There's no eating before the meeting. - Nice to see some new faces.
It's a great group. Let's begin.
I'd like to welcome our new members. Please introduce yourselves.
My name is Nancy and this is Henry.
(ALL): Hi, Nancy and Henry. Welcome.
Welcome. Last week we discussed Edward's problem. Edward?
(WOMAN): It's OK.
I'd like to start off by saying how much your support has meant to me.
As you know I've masturbated up to 17 times a day.
- (HENRY): We have to go. - You're giving him a negative message.
- Yes? - Sit down, please.
- Let's not send a negative message. - Not too close.
- How was last week for you? - Really wonderful.
I've tried to translate the sexual impulse into other forms of expression.
Working out, going to movies, calling friends.
Trying to integrate the urge into a more well-rounded lifestyle.
(BU RSTS INTO LAUGTH E R)
That's about all.
Sheena, were you able to cut down on your random sexual encounters?
- I've had the flu, so just my doctor. - Single digits, that's great.
- Let's hear from the new people. - We got in here by a mistake.
We came in to worship and this is the wrong denomination.
(NANCY): We don't even have sex that much.
So your problem is lack of sex.
In Ohio we don't discuss sex in public. It's sort of our state motto.
That's part of the problem. We don't discuss it.
- We're from Ohio! - We don't do it much any more.
- And when you do, it's a routine. - Yes! It's like we're two dead people.
- Nancy! Ohio! - It's not so much the absence of it.
It's that you've accepted the lack of physical and emotional intimacy.
If this keeps up, I'm sleeping with someone.
- Try tying each other up with bamboo. - Actually, we use The Club. OK
- Discussing it may solve the problem. - But I don't have a problem.
I enjoy sex as much as the next guy.
We haven't done it in over two months.
- Clearly you have a problem. - OK, I've been a little tense lately.
- What have you been tense about? - What have I been tense about?
I've been tense. Why? Don't I have the right to be tense?
Would you like to share with the group why you feel tense?
Yes, I'd love to share this with the group.
I was fired. I got fired!
I got fired. This was the only interview I could get because I'm 106 years old!
- How could you not tell me? - I went here to get a job and lied to you.
- This just creates more tension! - I would love to sleep with you, Henry.
- I find failure just as erotic as success. - Shut up, Sheena!
I'm sorry we ruined your meeting and hope you'll all stop having sex.
(NANCY): You were fired? I don't believe it.
And the first time I hear it is in front of a bunch of perverts?
- How could you not tell me? - You lied about Susan.
- It was an accumulation of half-truths. - OK, then mine was a spin.
I could've helped you. I know a little bit about advertising!
- I was ashamed. - You should be ashamed of lying to me.
What kind of marriage do we have?
The kind where I don't say I was fired and you don't say Susan is embezzling.
- It's very common. - Did they just fire you after 23 years?
They're dismissing all the older guys. We're not "cutting edge" any more.
- But you were never cutting edge! - That's what I told them.
Let's forget about them. This is a whole new start for you.
I won't get this job without a shave, a clean suit and a good night's sleep.
- Tomorrow I'll look like Keith Richards. - Don't give up.
Giving up is when you can still get the job and give up. I don't have that option.
This is a test.
Here we are in the middle of our lives, and we have to make a choice.
- Are we to slowly die or embrace life? - Slowly die?
No, embrace life! I want to live and feel useful.
I want to explore and experience. I want to suck the marrow out of life.
- What do you want? - I do want to do some marrow sucking.
But otherwise I just want to read and fix those broken kitchen cabinets.
That's it? You just want to read and fix things for the rest of your life?
How do I fit into that plan? All you need is a good light and a hammer.
- Maybe we have different plans. - Come on. Think!
There must be something.
I'd like to get some food. I'm hungry.
We don't have our bags or money.
The bags! Remember when we went to Freeport?
I know we can't eat the bags.
I put the travellers' cheques in the bag. Let's go back to the hotel.
- You left them in the bag? How much? - 600 dollars. I'm guessing.
(H EN RY): It's not earning interest in the bag.
There he is.
- We're back. - Mr and Mrs Clark, the sequel.
- Did our luggage arrive yet? - No.
- But give me the name of your hostel. - Very funny.
- But how very nice to see you. - Thank you.
- How was Monte Carlo? - It would not stop raining.
The doorman did not help Mrs Wellstone out of the car.
He was helping some large woman with a crated animal.
- I'll have all three of them removed. - That's the kind of service I expect.
That's the kind you'll receive from me.
- Maybe you two should get a room. - (MANAGER): I'm here to serve.
- Is there anything I can get you? - Just make sure it doesn't rain.
I'll speak to housekeeping. I just love those shoes.
Don't break my heart and tell me they/re not real leopard.
Off we go.
- Henry, look. - I think they have trail mix.
- Buffet time, honey. - Order me a peanut.
Thank you.
(CHEWS LOUDLY)
- Special diet? - Hmm.
- Could I get you something to drink? - I wouldn't want to impose.
- Are you sure? - Champagne.
- Champagne for the lady. - Thank you.
Could I have some of those cherries? No, the whole thing.
I'm Greg from LA. I'm an agent.
I'm checking out an Irish playwright for a sit-com that I packaged.
I've got an extra ticket and a limo if you'd be interested.
- Are you staying in the hotel? - Suite, 14th floor.
- Are you alone? - Just me and my expense account.
- You're funny. - (HENRY): Hey, baby.
Shut up! What are you? 106?
Let's move to a table. It won't be so noisy.
- Do you come here often? - Only when my husband works late.
- You're married? Oh, I never would - I think my husband's having an affair.
- Really? - I wish he'd stay out more often.
Don't think I'm one of those yuppies that blows in for a meeting and a good time.
- But if you want to get together - Give me the key to your room.
- What? - You know what we're talking about.
(HENRY LAUGHS)
- Might I speak to you for a moment? - No! Creep!
I'm talking to this gentleman. Stop harassing me or I'll call the manager.
Go away! Just go!
Sick. A guy that age hitting on you.
I have to leave. My adult diapers are bunching up.
He chats me up every night. It's pathetic.
So, Greg... ls what I think is going to happen going to happen?
- You're in for the wildest night. - I'll be back around 10:30.
I'll be waiting in your room.
- I don't know. - You don't know?
Too bad, Greg.
You don't know what you'll be missing.
Wait...
My room number's 1402. I'll see you there around 10:30?
- I don't even know your name. - Mrs Robinson.
Mrs Robinson. That's sexy. Nice to meet you, Mrs Robinson.
See you later.
We'll have the lobster, the grilled salmon and the creme brfllée.
Throw in a couple of steaks and salad. We need this as soon as possible.
- You were really something at the bar. - This will be the best meal of our life!
You were so animalistic, so hedonistic, so naughty.
- Fries! We didn't order any. - Like some cheap, tawdry sex machine.
(GREG): Mrs Robinson, are you in there?
- It's your agent. I want to see you. - I'll be right there...Greg.
I'm timing you on a very expensive watch.
- You have to hide. It's his room. - I am your husband!
- (GREG): Come on, come on... - (HENRY): All right, here!
- Just scoot under the bed. - It's too small. Get some camouflage.
- (GREG): Mrs Robinson? - Can you see me?
- Pull me out. - 30 seconds.
Now, don't you let him, you know. And whatever you do, don't you...
I won't. Just shut up!
- Hi. - Hi.
- You're still here. - Why wouldn't I be?
Some women might find this intimidating.
I find it dangerous in an erotic sense.
- I love the way you put words together. - I've always been good with my mouth.
(GREG): My lucky day.
- I didn't expect you back so soon. - I forgot my cellphone.
- Can't be without it. - You must be a very important person.
Maybe later I'll show you my phone list. Like that? I didn't do anything.
- How about a little sample? - Good things happen to he who waits.
- I have a surprise for you later. - Give me a hint.
- You'd better bring a fire extinguisher. - Mrs Robinson.
Don't start now. If you do, I'll never stop.
- "Don't start. I won't be able to stop"? - I had to think of something.
Excuse me.
- Who's that fol'? - 1402.
I'm 1402.
- I think you're enjoying this. - Maybe I am.
- When I'm hungry I'll seduce anyone. - That's comforting.
Did you order this? What's he doing here?
- He's my husband. Mr Robinson. - How dare you? She's twice your age!
- Is this for three or two? - I'm not paying. I'm calling the police.
Go! Get security!
(NANCY): What are we going to do?
Lots of people seduce guests to get a free meal and have sex in their suite.
Be careful.
- Shit! - Henry!
Come here!
- I think we can make it to the balcony. - I think we can make it to the street!
- Just climb down. - Are you insane?
- Watch. - Nancy!
You're going to kill yourself!
They were in that room.
This woman begs to be let inside. I'm not a guy that turns someone away.
(NANCY SCREAMS)
Nancy!
Nancy...! I'm having you checked for testicles!
If anything is gone, I am suing. No one from LA will ever stay here again.
You can do it, honey.
Here we go, baby.
(NANCY): Step by step.
(GREG): I'd know if I was trying to seduce someone.
- Sign this, please. - (GREG): How can you be so stupid?
- Don't be scared, sweetie. - I do this all the time.
- I'll be right back. - Where are you going?
(DISCO MUSIC)
(MANAGER MIMING) £ Bad girls, bad girls
£ Talking 'bout the sad girls
£ Sad girls, sad girls
£ Talking 'bout bad, bad girls, yeah
£ Now don't you ask yourself
£ Who they are
£ Like everybody else
£ They wanna be a star... £
Mersault is dancing in ladies' clothes to "Bad Girls".
I won't get into heaven if that's the last thing I see before I die.
- Hurry, you have to see this. - Here I come.
- Come here. Swing to me, honey. - I'd love to.
- Give me your foot. - I'm trying.
- (HENRY): Oh, my God! - Give me your coat...I've got it!
(NANCY): Come on.
What the bloody hell is going on?
(MAN): Where's the manager'?
Can't I have a moment's peace?
(SOUND OF BEEPER) I'm coming!
Shut up!
All right, don't get your knickers in a twist.
Can't a girl have some fun?
I could have danced all night.
(NANCY): Let's go.
(GREG): You're the manager, right? Hello, you checked me in!
Norman Bates could do a better job of running this hotel than you could.
Scam artists waltz into people's rooms, morons deliver room service.
And you can't even keep the lights on! I am an unsatisfied customer.
- So you'd better deal with me. - Shut up.
Silly bitch.
(NANCY): Walk normally, don't run. Taxi!
- We don't have any money. - I took $20 from the Wellstones' room.
- Who are you? - There's a taxi.
Taxi !
(SCREECHING TYRES)
(CAR HORNS)
- (NANCY): Oh, my God! - Are we lucky we found you.
(NANCY): 2nd Avenue and Saint Mark's Place.
- That's Susan's apartment. - Get out.
- (NANCY): What? - Excuse me.
- Get out of the cab now. - (HENRY): We're not getting out.
He has to take us anywhere and we're entitled to an incense-free ride.
- For the last time, get out! - We may be out-of-towners from Ohio.
But I know my rights. I'm writing down your name and license number.
- Hortense Wilson - Hortense?
(BELL RINGS)
- What's that? - (MAN): Go, go, go!
- (MAN): What's this? - They wouldn't get out.
- Yes, just drop us off over there - (MAN): Shut up!
Let us out and we won't bear witness. Tell them we will not bear witness.
- We don't know how to bear witness. - Shut up!
' L QOt it! _ . Y QOt the gum
Out, Nancy!
Jump!
- (HENRY): Are you OK? - Let me catch my breath.
- (NANCY): I'm shaking! - Do you believe this?
My God, you're so brave. You're a hero. You saved our lives.
- Maybe just a little bit. - I saw my life flash before my eyes.
All I could think of was I'll never see my children again!
- Did you think about me at all? - There was so little time.
Your whole life passed before your eyes, and I wasn't even in it?
Don't be so sensitive. Of course I think about my kids. They need me.
- I'm all they've got. - Am I the anonymous sperm donor'?
- You might as well be. - What do you mean?
Look at the way you're treating Susan.
We must think about each other more because the kids are gone.
- We're all we have. - You make that sound appealing.
Unless we find some common ground, we are going to...
What? We're going to get a divorce?
Let go. Get over this fear of not being able to play mommy any more.
- I want a divorce! - That's ridiculous.
I am ridiculous. That's what you used to like about me.
But you've become insensitive and set in your ways,
and after 27 years, I've had enough!
You have really been mistreated!
Other husbands get drunk and have sex with 18-year-olds.
But your husband is a little boring and insensitive. Big deal!
I don't know how you put up with it, Madame Bovary!
(H EN RY): There you are. (NANCY GASPS)
Henfy...
(NANCY): I'm sorry, honey.
- (NANCY): How did we get here? - We just got older, that's all.
- I don't mind getting older. - Neither do I.
(NANCY): I don't want to be 17 again.
No, that notion that when you're younger everything is perfect...
- I wouldn't mind feeling like I'm 17. - (HENRY): I wouldn't either.
(NANCY): How do we do that?
(NANCY): When we were younger, this would have been an adventure.
(NANCY): We used to have fun. Remember your grandfather's house?
- We made love all night in that motel. - And you killed my grandfather.
I did not.
You can't wear that outfit around a man without a single open artery.
The tight black pants with the daffodil patch.
- You remember that? What else? - The blouse with that big heart thing.
- You looked like a hospital patient. - That's sexy.
(SOFT JAZZ MUSE)
(H EN RY): Where are we?
There's nobody here.
You look so sexy right now.
It's that rolling-out-of-a-cab look you like.
- You smell sexy. - No, Henry...!
- Henry, I hear music. - A kiss will do that.
Thank you. And now the Mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani.
(JAZZ MUSIC)
This evening would not be possible
without the generosity of Mrs Florence Needleman,
who, as part of our Light Up the City campaign, has dedicated the park
in loving memory of her husband Manny.
Manny and I shared some of our loveliest memories in Central Park.
He would be happy to know
we have returned the park to the good, law-abiding citizens of New York.
(NANCY): Oh, honey!
He'd be pleased with the new monument that has been erected.
Oh, Henry!
So let's get to it.
(NANCY IS PANTI NG)
Henry!
(HENRY): Come on, baby.
- (NANCY): This is so embarrassing. - This way!
(NANCY): They're after us!
Public fornication won't look good on my résumé.
I've got grass in my ass!
(NANCY): Faster!
We're pursuing two white suspects, male and female, partially clothed.
- (NANCY): I think we lost them. - Over here. Are we nuts?
- We just got lost in our essence. - We'll have to lay low for a while.
- I never thought I'd say that. - Get down, sweetie.
Let's just stay here for a few minutes.
- Want a mint? I stole that, too. - From the Wellstones.
- From their pillows. - You should've stolen the pillows, too.
(HENRY): I'm glad we finally got more time for ourselves.
- When is your interview tomorrow? - Ten.
(SIGHS OF RELIEF)
- Hold it! - This is not what it looks like.
Public exposure is what it looks like. Come on.
- Nancy. - Call it what you like, but zip up.
- Nancy! - Henry?
Call Dun and Bradley Advertising. I have an interview there this morning.
I'm not a degenerate and I don't deserve to be locked up with...
...without medical attention. My neck is sprained.
(PRISONER): We'll straighten that out for you.
This is Sergeant Jordan at the desk. Where is your commanding officei'?
On lunch break? Great. You sure do have long lunch breaks.
Anyway, the woman's name is Florence Klein, 585 Beck Avenue.
- Hello... - Lady, I'm busy.
I have a little problem.
My husband has a job interview soon and I need to call and arrange bail.
- The public phones are down there. - That will take too long.
- I promise to call collect... - Lady, give me a break.
Give you a break?
Hey! Let me share something with you.
In the last 24 hours I've been rerouted, mugged, evicted, chased by a dog,
kidnapped, and seen in a compromising position by the Mayor.
My daughter is spending all our money and my husband has no job.
I'm angry, tired, hungry, and I'm running with the wolves!
I am one crazy bitch from Ohio, so why don't you give me a break!
Do I dial 9 to get out?
- I've got an important meeting... - Why all the noise? Forget it.
- Your screaming gives me a headache. - I've got one.
Take an aspirin. Anything to shut your mouth up.
(NANCY swans)
- Nobody home? - No. I don't know anybody else here.
- Can't your hotel give you a loan? - Oh, my God!
The manager threw us out. He hates us. He wouldn't even...
BAD GIRLS
You saw the "Do Not Disturb" sign
and knocked to see if it was supposed to be there.
- (WOMAN): I have a call for you. - I'll explain the rest of your life later.
- Thank you. Good morning. - Mr Mersault?
This is Nancy Clark from Ohio. You threw us out last night. How are you?
Nice of you to stay in touch. I wish all our freeloaders were as conscientious.
- I need you to do me a favour. - Let me explain.
If you are a paying guest, I fawn, I grovel, I am your very plaything.
If you are not a guest, you do not exist.
- You'll speak to me. - Why?
Last night you looked so fabulous in that wonderful full-length sable coat.
- And those stiletto heels were... - Go away.
- Yes? - I have never seen a man kick so high.
In jail you can do your little act for all the prisoners. They/ll love it!
I had an intuition you'd be good at blackmail. How may I be of service?
I need bail money at the 15th Precinct, and bring some muffins.
But of course. Muffins...
The Presidential Suite is free of charge, as is the limo, or “getaway car...
But first, please sign this document agreeing never to reveal the incident,
where I was in fact rehearsing for the hotel employees' Follies.
- Very good. - You look great. Really.
- Doesn't she look great? - Well, I wouldn't mind the blouse.
- Not the blouse. She's got a great ass. - Henry!
It's always there for me. It's a Wellspring of joy.
- What do you think? - It's private.
- Everybody wants to talk about it. - What is wrong with you?
Nothing. I just feel frisky, that's all.
- You feel frisky? Say the word. - Frisky.
Say "frisky" again. Say the word "frisky".
- Frisky. - Say "frisky".
- Say "frisky". It's fun. - "Frisky". Yes, it is rather fun.
(INANE LAUGHTER)
ls there a playground nearbfi With swings or monkey bars?
You're welcome to use the hotel's health club once you've signed...
- Yuck! Health club! - Henry, look at me.
- Did you eat anything in jail? - No. I just had an aspirin.
- Are you sure it was an aspirin? - A prisoner gave it to me.
Well, if a prisoner gave it to him...!
- Can you pull over'? Pull over. - No, don't pull over.
Pull over. Like a pullover sweater. It's the same as pull over.
To pull over...and yet it's a sweater.
Could you pull over'? Like right now!
- Too confining, too confining! - Henry!
(MUSIC: "AQUARIUS" FROM "HAIR")
(HENRY SINGS ALONG)
Look at the beautiful oneness of this tree. It becomes us.
Do you feel its ontological being? What?
- Guess whose voice I'm hearing. - The earth's?
Baba Ram Dass. Remember him and his inspirational tape?
We never listened to it because it melted in the car.
We got all our priorities screwed up.
We do! We have to love more.
We have to give it to other people. Wow!
Come on, let's do her!
(HENRY QUACKS LIKE A DUCK)
Look at this, we have arrived! This is the Presidential Suite.
- The interview is in 18 minutes. - Who needs a job with all this?
We have nothing! I'll unpack and I want you to think "advertising".
All right, I'm going to focus on advertising.
I am an advertising...
HerlfY-
No, you have to get dressed. Now. Think!
I have an idea, baby. What is the most unused advertising space in the world?
The tongue. It's always hanging out. People drooling over restaurants.
It would be easy to write on there. Someone who sells breath mints.
Dogs' tongues are always hanging out. Would you write this down!
Don't worry. I never forget a good idea. Now it's time to take a shower.
OK, baby. Your little genius is going to take a shower.
(HENRY SINGS)
I think I found some more unused advertising space.
- Henry, no! - I'll have those pants pressed for you.
Is there anything you need? A basket of fruit, perhaps? Banana?
- Taxi. - Put on your pants, for God's sake.
We'll get a cab over here. Get your pants on. I have your coat.
Put your shoes on. We're going to make it. Slow down, baby.
We've got plenty of time.
We're almost there. We've got two minutes.
(HENRY): Here it is, 590.
- Go, go! - Let's go, honey.
Come on, Henry. Henry!
- This way, come on! - Sorry.
Come on. You look fabulous. I think you're going to get the job.
- Get the job? - Yes.
You look good, sweetheart. Button up your coat.
OK, we're here. Come on.
- Henry? - This is not right.
- This is the floor. - I can't do this.
You're stressed out. Everything's fine. Just don't mention that tongue idea.
Take my hand, sweetie.
Visualize getting off the elevator.
I'm visualizing coming off the elevator. My hand's out.
- Feels good. Different temperature. - You're going to make it.
- My hair is out. - Good. Your foot's out.
I'm coming No, I can't do this!
I'm burned out, just going through the motions!
- (MAN): I know what he means. - We just can't do this any more.
Don't be irresponsible. I know you took a hallucinogenic in prison.
- But you still can make an effort. - (BOTH): We can't!
Are you going to listen to your loving wife of 27 years or this guy?
He understands me. You just can't handle that. We're one now.
Let's go, honey.
(NANCY): Let's go.
I go "No way," and he goes "So way'. And I go "You're totally stupid".
- Excuse me. - Henry Clark to see Lisa Tobin.
Oh, you're Henry Clark. I tried calling you at home and at the hotel.
- The meeting was moved to nine. - Are you serious?
We didn't get that message.
We had trouble getting into the hotel, the manager's a transvestite
Miss Tobin is preparing for a meeting before she flies to London for a week.
- There must be something you can do. - This is a sign. It's over.
The entire city is saying "Go home". On the Statue of Liberty, it says:
"Give me your tired, give me your poor, everyone but Henry and Nancy Clark!"
- A cracker will fill you with hope again. - No, it'll just fill me with cracker.
- What about marrow sucking? - We're too old for that.
(NANCY): OK.
All right, Henry. The plane leaves at 2:30. I'm going to be on it.
I'm going back to the hotel. I've just enough energy to steal some towels.
Well, Henry. I guess New York won.
New York won?
No, you never have to wax again. Of course it hurts.
It's worth it. With global warming you'll be in a bathing suit all year long.
- This is an emergency. - Give me a break.
- Sorry. Go ahead. - Give you a break?
Give you a break?
Listen! In the past 24 hours I have destroyed a car, been evicted,
forced to reveal my most intimate secrets to a group of nymphomaniacs,
watched my wife seduce a man,
arrested for public urination and drugged by Jaco, my new prison pal!
I have a house and a mortgage, a son in college and a daughter in theatre.
I'm a quiet mid-western guy that no one expects to snap. But when we do...
Watch it, baby!
Meet the team. This is Henry Clark, formerly of Sellinsky in Ohio.
- He was scheduled for 9 o'clock. - Still on Central Standard time?
Ohio is on Eastern Standard Time, though people think it's Central.
But Central Standard time is great. Not too early and not too late.
- It's just Central. - I don't get the joke.
(SOBBING)
Your portfolio is terrific.
But we have an hour to sell a follow-up to the "I love New York" campaign.
I wish our timing had been better, but thanks for coming and good luck.
Thank you.
(WOMAN): Let's start with "New York, New York" and then pull back
- Do you know what your problem is? - What did you say?
- Do you know what your problem is? - No, what's my problem?
You live here, you're jaded. You need a fresh perspective from an outsider -
from say Ohio. Because you've forgotten just how amazing this city is.
I've had more experiences here than people who've lived here all their lives.
I've met colourful characters, taken a breathtaking cab ride through the Park.
I climbed to the top of a luxury hotel.
Not in the elevator, but on the hotel.
And then I fell... in love with my wife all over again.
At Tavern on the Green. On the actual green itself.
And I had sex in front of the Mayor.
Where else could all that happen?
Only in New York!
- What did you just say? - The tag line is "Only in New York".
Which I have copyrighted,
along with the Statue of Liberty giving the high five to a tourist family.
- (MAN): He's very good. - Can I have a doughnut?
(MANAGER): Don't be alarmed by the Princess' appearance. She's hideous.
- Is that all the Clarks' luggage? - There's still a bag.
If it's not here in 60 seconds, the hotel nurse will give you a lethal injection.
Mrs Clark, your yellow chariot awaits and you have a glorious day for flying.
- Barf! - My sentiments exactly.
- Please give my husband that ticket. - Good, get a head start to the airport.
- Visit the shops, talk to a Hare Krishna. - Close the door, please.
Baby, wait. Don't go!
' Go, go! - Don't go!
- Come here, come here. - What is it?
This is champagne, that is a limo and this is what we're celebrating.
The key to my new office. I got the job. We're New Yorkers now.
- We're never going to leave! - Please, God, no.
- I got you something, too. - You didn't have to.
- Oh, you got me a spare key. - It's the key to your office.
- Are you still high? - I can hire anyone I want. I want you.
I want my partner back.
All the best things in my life are thanks to you. Marriage, kids, work.
- This is crazy. - Know what I think marrow sucking is?
- It's being with you. That's how I suck. - Oh, Henry.
- What does it pay? - Are you going to the airport or not'?
- Why? We live here. (MANAGER MOANS IN DESPAIR)
Only in New York.
So, I take it you won't be checking out today. Or perhaps ever.
- Mario, get the bags. - Bags! They're in the cab.
My God. I think I'm beginning to like them.
- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. - Hi, sweetie.
Congratulations. You should be proud.
- Isn't the theatre magical? - Are those my earrings?
Bravo !
ENGLISH - SDH